I’ve been an anxious mess since I got here. I’m struggling to adapt to the confines, and I feel like I’m not cut out for this lifestyle. But then again, that’s all bullshit. I feel as if I want to do everything. As if I have to do it all, today, this minute. But, things happen in time. As I browsed Spotify for relief, “2018 wrapped” served to remind.
"Discovery at night" that track I looped just after she'd gone. A beautiful heartbreak, with notes of hope sprinkled in. "Broad shoulders" ft Chance the rapper. The one I listened to on repeat during those lonely days in Barcelona Spain. Zoetrope, by Joep Beving, a classical soundtrack to a simplistically analytical life. "Japan" by Famous Dex. My roommate in Alaska loved "trap". "These lyrics are shit." I told him. "trap music does not need lyrics." Blue said.
"Last train” by Dawn Golden. Another reminder of leaving. This time from le ferme. "Wake the dead" by Nassau, the one I looped to a Mediterranean breeze, alone, after saying “au revoir” to my Swiss friends.
"Sweet" by Cigarettes after sex. It used to make me think of her, and now I think of myself, slumped up against that wall, smoking a cigarette. Allessio Bax’ melody from my favorite movie of the year, “Call me by your name”.
"So, so pretty" LANY, a reminder to live, a reminder to see. "Closer still" Mutual Benefit, a soundtrack to an epic, the journey. Racing down the switchbacks, to it after a stressful shift. "Love it if we made it" the 1975, the way she made my heart beat. "Robbers" years later, still relevant. "Fireflight" by Hundred Waters, a blast of sunlight.
"Poles 1469" by Trippie Red and Takashi 6ix9ine, from those days of "whilin'". "Pretty thoughts" by Urban Flora, a comatose escape. "Clean", by The Japanese House, that band that opened for the 1975 three years ago at red rocks. I think of hiding from my cubicle at Schwab in that rooftop garden, staring out and longing toward the mountains, every time I listen to them.
"O" by Coldplay, that revolutionary piece. The song I played as I boarded the plane. "Weather" by Novo amor from when I was really feeling the isolation. "Peer-pressure score" by Jon Brian, from the soundtrack of "eternal Sunshine", that movie that changed my mind. "Midnight soul still remains" M83, the sound of meditation. "The night we met" Lord Huron. Why'd it have to end that way..."Sigh", by the Bilinda Brothers, a bit of defiance, a bit I excitement, a but if what it was like to be with her. "Young live" Telepathic Tedd, the one I cranked up after racing home to write about our first kiss.
"On the 5" by Winetka Bowling League. After months away from Alt-Nation, this song played as I rode to the city from the airport on a sunny day with mom. Austin always has a song.
"Jamz" by Sales, a rhythmic riff of summer sun. "The rains" by Henry Jamison, the song that played over the crunchy forest, the shouting kids, and my shower drain. To that sense of adventure, that was so undeniably lonely. "I don't wanna love you anymore" LANY, when I knew we'd reached an end. "Dunno" by Mac Miller. What a tragedy it was to lose him. "Elysium" Bears Den, still my anthem to escape. A vocal liberation.
"Lazy afternoon" by Rebolution, I used to blast it in my Korean shower, and sing. "LSD" by ASAP Rocky, sometimes music is even more intoxicating. "Crash" by Skizzy Mars. That song I found on a flight to San Francisco in the summer of '16. "Current location" by LANY. Why are we always in the wrong place? "Sesame syrup" Cigs after sex. "I've had a long list of lovers, but none of them mattered to me except you."
"Stuff we did" Micheal Giacchino. She left, and it's desolate. But how lucky I was to have felt. "Spotless mind" island. "What's this? A spark"? "What if I never asked you your name..." I'm so glad I did. "weather" by Novo amor, as I roamed those lonely, Daejeon streets. Cigarettes after sex, in Paris..."How I'd love to go to Paris again".
"Some kind of drug" after leaving after she'd left me. The intoxication of her touch as we just kissed. "Barricade (matter of fact)" by Yumi Zouma, that infinite dose of positivity. "Half the world away", my source of writing during a deeply nostalgic period, across the sea. "You left me" by Croquet Club, an upbeat update to a classic Melody. Used to write, and to roam streets.
Patrick Doyle's "the great secret" while watching the sun set from the chateau balcony. "I don't wear glasses" for contemplating, by Brique a Braq."Dead island trailer theme" by Giles Lamb, for another level of deep. “Altered state of mind” by Milmine as I watched the smoke dance, from the end of that Pyrenees spliff.
“The woods”, by Hollow Coves, as I fantasized about a winter in a little old ski town ASAP forever, in an Alaskan summer Haze. “Meeting points at 2am" by dné from when I felt it for the second time. "In my dreams" by Jutes, a dreamy escape. “Young and Dumb” CAF. We had so much fun.
"TOOTIMETOOTIMETOOTIME" is this Drake? No, the 1975.
"Homeless" a hiking tune, by Del Water Gap. "Shae" by Chase Huglin, for thinking about Colorado as I walked down the switchbacks. "Lying and Loving" by Electris Mantis, for those days of bombing on the snowboard. "The ghost on the shore" by Lord Huron, she'd gone, things slowed down. "Penny Jane" by Angus Maude. Thinking of her from France. "Promise" by Ben Howard, from that day in the clouds, a return to cold and rain. "VHS" by Super Duper, audible caffeine. "Rill Rill" by the Sleigh bells. Marching through foreign cities.
"The 1975" by the 1975, the intro track of all three of their albums, an intro track to life. "You and me" by Shallou, a mellow afternoon laying in the hammock, from the billboard, in the Alaskan sunshine. “Patience” the most important thing.
For so long, I've wished Spotify to create a calendar of my music, so that I can look back at any date and use the tunes I listened to to remember it. But the monumental ones, the top tracks, do just that. What a year it’s been.